Jesus

"If Jesus came back and saw what's going on in His name, He'd never stop throwing up." — Frederick in Hannah and Her Sisters (1986).
"Jesus died for somebody's sins, but not mine." — Patti Smith.
"The passion of the christ ? If I wanted to see a bad actor get nailed, I'd watch the Paris Hilton video." — Indago.
"Why is it, when a patient lives the family thanks Jesus, but when the patient dies, the family sues the doctors ?"
"Unique among the nations, America recognized the source of our character as being godly and eternal, not being civic and temporal. And because we have understood that our source is eternal, America has been different. We have no king but Jesus." — John Ashcroft, speech at Bob Jones university.
"Jesus Christ: Imaginary Playmate to Millions of Adults !"
"If what Jesus said was good, what can it matter whether he was God or not ?" — Clemens Vonnegut.
"Isn't it amazing Jesus just happens to want EXACTLY what you want ?" — Bumper sticker.
"Probably get his dumb ass nailed to a cross..." — Standard response to WWJD (What Would Jesus Do) paraphernalia.
"A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. Do you think when Jesus comes back, he's really going to want to see a fucking cross ? Ow! Maybe that's why he hasn't shown up yet... it's like going up to Jackie Onassis wearing a sniper rifle pendant..." — Bill Hicks.
"If Jesus returns, kill him again." — undojesus.org.
"You don't need freedom of speech if you let Jesus think for you." — An alum.
"I am taking a piece of KRAFT cheese to church with me in the hopes that I can get an extra piece of jesus and make a sandwich." — Manghuntr9.

"For the first time in history, two zombie movies are at the movie theaters at the same time: Dawn of the dead and Passion of the christ."
"The people who think a guy walked on water versus the people who think a horse can fly." — Scott Adams about the clash of Christianity and Islam.
"What good is having someone who can walk on water if you can't follow in his footsteps ?"
"Get off the cross, we need the wood." — Tori Amos.
"My bible thumping cousin once claimed that Jesus must have risen from the dead since thousands of people saw him after the resurrection. I simply pointed out that if that was the case then Elvis should be deified because thousands of people have seen him in McDonalds since 1977." — Rand Race.
"I used to get really pissed off that my life was so dictated by when this Jesus guy was born and when he was dying every year. I felt really resentful that I couldn't get on with my own life because I was so busy with his." — Tori Amos.
"Rose from the dead ? Nah, his buddies moved the body, how hard is it really, the Sopranos did it all the time."
"There's some invisible guy, up in the sky, who can kill you, because he loves you." — George Carlin.
"10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.
9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.
8. Beer has never caused a major war.
7. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.
6. When you have a Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away.
5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer.
4. You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.
3. There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you.
2. You can prove you have a Beer.
1. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop.
"A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory." — Top Ten Reasons Why Beer is Better Than Jesus.
"1. He called everyone 'brother'
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial." — 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black.
"1. He went into His Fathers business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God." — 3 good arguments that Jesus was Jewish.
"1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil." — 3 good arguments that Jesus was Italian.
"1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion." — 3 good arguments that Jesus was a Californian.
"1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories
3. He loved green pastures." — 3 good arguments that Jesus was Irish.
"1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. Even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for Him to do." — 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman.

"I'd be the worst Jesus ever, i'd be constantly drunk if i could turn water into wine."

"Water into Wine' and 'Loaves and Fishes' were pretty good, but 'Oregano into Primo Mexican Weed' was truly impressive."    — Top miracle not mentioned in the Bible.

"I was pretty impressed that Jesus fed the masses from only five loaves and two fishes until I went to Communion and saw what He considers a serving size."    — Marsha Clodfelter.

"Based on the number of 'tards who 'find' him, I suspect Jesus really sucks at hide'n'seek."    — Marc Wolfe.

"Jesus may love you but he won't respect you in the morning."

"Crucifixes are sexy because there's a naked man on them."    — Madonna.

"Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them ?"    — Jules Feiffer.

"Jesus never heard of Beethoven and Bach. Why aren't we playing more country music in church ?"    — Tex Sample, St. Paul School of Theology (Kansas City).

In big print: "Jesus Loves You"
In fine print: "Everybody else thinks you're an asshole"    — Bumper sticker.

"I don't care WHO you are, you're not walking on the water while I'm fishing."

For a good (and also a quite insightful) laugh, read Socrates meets Jesus, written in the style and logic of both those famous guys.